I was doing some homework for my philosophy class the other night and came across this scripture from Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This scripture fit into my life perfectly. It summed up how I felt at one point in my life. Four years into my relationship with Matt we broke up. This chapter in my life was very difficult but in the end it was exactly what we needed.
We had started dating when we were both young. He had not been in any relationships prior to us and I had been in a few horrible ones. We both didn't know what we were getting into and I definitely didn't know what a good relationship was. The first year of dating was rough. I was extremely jealous and wasn't confident in myself. I smothered our relationship and he wanted out. Almost exactly four years to the day into our relationship we broke up. My life seemed like it was over. We had started our life together and at that time were living together and I couldn't image my future without him.
My life seemed to crumble around me and my heart literally felt like it was torn in half. I cried so much I wondered if my eyes would ever dry up and stop forming tears. I couldn't function at work and I couldn't function outside of work. Most of all I realized how much I loved him and wanted him. For four years I thought I "needed" him but during that time I knew I wanted him. I could only imagine my future with him.
I finally broke down and called my mom and told her. I felt like I was letting my family down because they loved him almost as much as I did. After I told my mom what happened and cried a million more tears she told me, "If you love him let him go, if he comes back to you, he's yours forever." It seemed like such a corny saying but it sort of comforted me. After weeks of being depressed and sad I decided that night that I was going to move on… somehow. If we were meant to be it would happen eventually.
That night Matt called me, in tears, and said he wanted us back together. We got back together but from that day I built a wall around my heart, I guarded it from my anyone. The pain of a broken heart was too much to bear and I felt I could guard my heart from that pain.
A year later he proposed to me, I said yes but I still guarded my heart. I was not going to let that pain break my heart again. I prayed every night asking God to help me. I wanted to let him back in but I just couldn't. Finally, not long before we walked down the aisle I let the wall down around my heart and let him in.
I love Matt with my full heart. Our relationship is more than anything I could imagine. He is my better half, my best friend, and a perfect match for me. I realize now that we each need to be our own person and we need to know how to grow separately but still stay connected as a unit. Its hard when you grow up with a dysfunctional family and you don’t know what a good relationship is. Matt and I have grown so much in the last nine years and I thank God every day for putting us together.
